Team Underwear Affair: Be a part of something (I hope) will be huge!

Today, is one of those days I struggle, and I won’t say what, or who, may have caused that to happen.  Instead, I am going to focus on something really positive, Team Underwear Affair for the Scotiabank Marathon.  Last year, as many of you may know, I got a team together to participate in the booty hunt.  We had such a good time, and raised a lot of money.  We were hoping to do this again in 2015, but it wasn’t to be, as the event was cancelled.  I decided, after speaking to someone at the Alberta Cancer Foundation, that the next best option was to participate in the 5K walk and run (admittedly, the 15. 6km we walked last year was a bit much for some).  We could still dress up, be loud, and bring attention to cancers no one likes to talk about.  It’s not just about raising a lot of money, but making sure people are comfortable talking about their experience.  I’ve learned that my being outspoken has helped quite a few people!

Since then, I have been toying with a lot of fundraising ideas, that now seem to be possible as realities.  I’m looking at setting up a floor hockey department fundraiser in the next few months, and tonight I am meeting with some amazing people to talk a bigger fundraising event.  I am so humbled at the offerings of help, some from people I’ve only talked to on Twitter.  I am really keen to learn about fundraising, and how to be a better event planner, so this is a win overall.

As well, there are so many people who have offered to join the team.  I’m not sure what the final total will be, but I’m hoping it’s big enough to catch the media’s attention.  It’s quite sad that the Underwear Affair doesn’t exist anymore, but I do believe it will continue on for some time through the Marathon.  If you are interested to join, or to donate, please follow the link below.

Team Underwear Affair

November Follow up – results finally in

This will be a quick entry for the blog, as I have been working on another blog post.  My tests came back showing “features”, which means something is still there.  I’ve been told that features are a stage before abnormal cells, so it’s very low grade at this time. I’m not sure what’s happening, if my body is fighting it or if it will progress like last time.  All I know is, that I am sadly getting use to the situation.  I will be back for more testing in May 2015, so maybe we will get answers then?  Until that time, I will just do what I normally do and just live my life as best I can.

Meeting the Texas 4000 – Charity bike ride participants

I’m normally someone who isn’t comfortable with unplanned events, but last night might change that view.  I was leaving a friend’s apartment, when I remembered that another friend had mentioned an event going on involving something called Texas 4000.  I had no idea what this event was about at first, and even when I arrived at The Yardhouse I was still very unsure what was going to happen.  By the end of the night though, I wondered how people haven’t heard of this inspiring charity bike ride, or the amazing people who are taking part in this event.  They will ride from Austin,Texas to Anchorage, Alaska, riding about 75 miles a day on average, to raise awareness and money for various groups like YACC (Young Adult Cancer Canada), M.D. Anderson Center, etc. 

The one thing I find with anyone’s cancer journey (not a fan of that word, but what else do you call it?) is that it’s hard to reconcile the positives that come out of it.  How can something that destroys lives, and causes so much pain ever be good?  I’ve met some amazing people that I would never have otherwise met, made good friends fast, and I know they are people I will speak to again and depend on in the future. I’m constantly astonished that there are so many people in this world selflessly giving up their time, and putting themselves through grueling conditions to benefit not only people they know, but also people who are total strangers. As I just mentioned, each participant has a personal connection to cancer, grandparents, friends, etc.  I won’t go into their individual stories, as they are not my story to tell. One participant though, told a story about riding for his father, who had himself been an avid cyclist before cancer, and it overwhelmed me so much to hear about such love and connection (his bike contains parts from his dad’s bike so they are riding together!).  The talk never stayed solely on cancer, or even the ride, as we all seemed to have a lot more in common, and really they were all fascinating people. I’ve noticed at the YACC events I’ve attended that we don’t sit there and only talk about the disease, but instead we just talk, about our lives, friends, likes/dislikes, etc.  Cancer has become a part of our life, but it’s not the only part…..or even the major part, it’s just something we have to accept as a reality.  We all stayed out pretty late, enjoying good food and conversation.  I learned more about Tennessee vs. Texas country, and I taught someone about my love of early civil war photography.  Those of us who are a part of YACC also got to show the riders what their donation and hard work is going to help, and how the group provides us with so much support and long lasting friendships. 

I’ve provided links below so you can learn more about their epic bike ride. This ride goes on every year, but with new participants, as it takes up 18 months of each rider’s life from start to finish.  They will arrive in Alaska on August 8, 2014 to a huge celebratory event, and probably some much needed R&R.  If you are ever concerned that your donated money often goes to high overhead costs, look toward donating to the Texas 4000, as they often support smaller, and more local support/research groups.

Texas 4000 @Texas 4000

 

Am I doing what I enjoy, or is there a problem here?

I find that I am an extremely busy person, but I really do love my down time, and find I am panicky without it.  I also like to feel involved, like I have a variety of opportunities, and be a part of communities.  Lately though, I have tried to be respectful of my mental state and not do too much, as I get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed fairly quickly nowadays.  I am aware I need to be kind to myself during such a mentally stressful time, but sometimes, I just don’t seem to be able to help myself.

Today, I ended up agreeing to attend a conference in October for 4 days for our union, and agreed to be an alternate for the monthly meetings.  There I was walking to the room for the AGM, saying I need to take time for myself, and then 30 min later I am agreeing to participate in some, to be fair, interesting stuff (and travel, I love staying in hotels).  It’s not that I am pushed, or I don’t want to do this, but I worry about the times that I will panic from feeling overwhelmed….but then again I get panicky when I think I don’t have enough to do!  It seems to be a damned if you do or don’t situation when you have an anxiety disorder.  And as long as they pay for my room service bill at the hotel…..I think I will find a way to be ok with this conference 😉

I’m ready for my close up Mr. Demille…

I’m not even sure how to begin explaining my night, how it felt to be on a stage, and seeing people enjoy themselves (both the cast and the audience).  How it felt to see my friends in the audience, they actually paid both monetarily and in their time to watch me give a few intros.  How it felt to not care what people think, as I spend more time than I should thinking about that….I guess in the end how it all felt to be free.  I thought I would be really nervous, as I had been during rehearsals, and because I’m an anxious person on a good day, but not once did I panic, not even when 250 strangers slowly made their way into the theatre.  The made them laugh, cry, think, and the whole time I got to watch the emotional changes on people’s faces.  I fell though, that what I really loved was that I was bringing attention to something I have become passionate about, and that is discussing women’s health issues.  I was recently told that I am an attention seeker, but in a more positive way, I use myself to bring attention to important causes and ideas.  I loved that I was surrounded by women who had no problem talking about anything and everything (and I really enjoyed everyone’s company in the rehearsals, save for one who I felt was a little too militant in her ideas about “top universities” being the 2nd coming, but that pervasive and damaging attitude could be a topic within itself).  I hope to be back next year for the 3rd annual Vagina Monologues, not sure if I will audition for a role, or if I will try and work behind the scenes in promotions, social media, or even something more technical…..or maybe I will take on the moaning monologue (ha ha ha, yeah that’s just not happening, I have trouble controlling my laughter!). I’m also looking forward to when we get together for a cast party in the next few weeks.

I know I haven’t explained much of the actual show, or the actors, but it has all really blended into this fantastic experience, and each and every lady brought energy and passion to their parts, but a lot of those girls are going to go onto great things in the theatre world.  I also don’t want to bore you with “We walked on the stage, sat down, then the first monologue started”, and I’m sure if you have gone to one performance, you get the general idea of what happened on the stage.

This is my first time actually attending a Vagina Monologues, so it’s odd that I also participated in it.  I felt some of it was heavy handed, but not to such a level that it turned me off, like Ayn Rand’s works always does to me.  I think everyone should attend one performance, and I liked that ours wasn’t a professional cast (though some of the ladies are extremely talented, Chantal in “reclaiming cunt” was lyrical in her performance), and that there were quite a few men in the audience who did not look uncomfortable at all.  I go for my 2nd support group meeting and I can’t wait, because I feel like I am getting better mentally (it’s a slow process), moving on, even with my follow up appointment looming in May.  If my abnormal cells are going to come back, well, there is little I can do to stop that, and in the meantime, I can enjoy myself and embrace new experiences like performing to an audience.  I may have days where I hide from the world, but they can balance with the days I am a part of it.

Vagina Monologues

Tonight is our dress rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues, hopefully I will get some pictures as I need to be there early, and the thursday cast will be performing.  There will be costumes, energy, and a lot of fabulous ladies!  This will be my first time being on stage when there is an audience that has paid to be there, not sure what that will feel like….but even if I feel nervous, I know that no one will care.  I mean it’s good to face your fears and anxieties, right?

My Mental illness: for Bell Let’s Talk day!

If you are in Canada then you know today is “Bell Let’s Talk day”, and it’s an important day to many of us.  I try to stay away from just tweeting  justnonsense, as I do want people to learn and accept mental illness as something that isn’t to be feared.

I have a mental illness, and I’ve come to accept it and work daily to keep myself from getting worse.  I have a severe anxiety disorder, which has developed from the numerous medical issues I have had in my life, and years of abuse, so I try to gain that loss of control back, which generally just causes me to feel more anxious. Most people tell me that they find this surprising, as seem to be a very calm person, so obviously I am good at hiding it. We all feel anxiety, but when you allow your fears and emotions to control your every decision, and panic over the smallest things, constantly focus on small details about the future, or obsess about it, then like me you may have a problem.  I get anxious when I have too much to do in a week, too little to do, whether I should go out for dinner, or eat at home, and worst, that I am having too much fun or too little fun in a week.  Some of you may be thinking that my anxiety is something I should control, get over, because we all have it, and that’s true we do, but not everyone lives with stress constantly.  I’ve only ever been able to reduce it, never lose the constant feelings of anxiety or stress.  I don’t know why I am this way, and sometimes I don’t care.  I work to keep it in check, and that is a victory to me, keeping it in check, then I am not constantly running back to check that I turned off the stove, closed my door, and not missing the bus because of these actions (this almost happened this morning).

I’m also dealing with a condition known as “cancer rage”, which may sound odd as I never made it to a stage of cancer, only precancerous changes, but it more comes from all the tests I’ve had to go through, not knowing what the tests would say, and just the fear and anxiety that a biopsy can cause.   The ladies at the support group totally get feeling like this, and have let me know it’s totally normal for anyone with dysplasia or full blown cancer to feel.  I’m writing about it now because I am going through it as this very moment, one person disrespects me, no one seems to care, and then boom! for the rest of  the day if anyone looks at me funny, or talks to me rudely, it builds exponentially, and I feel I will explode in some fashion.  I hate feeling like this, and how upset I get, but I am told only time will help with the rages.  I’ve even gotten so upset by people breathing near me, or not leaving on time for something,and I know it’s unrealistic and damaging to me, but I can’t help but obsess about these situations.

One day I’ll speak more about my bouts with major depression, as they are stories within themselves.

Let’s start being more accepting of differences we can’t see, and more helpful to people who could use a kind word.  And realistically, you won’t have a clue what the person might be going through unless you suffer from it too (and even then you don’t understand what it is like for that person, just for yourself). Don’t be afraid to be who you are, whatever that means personality wise, mentality wise, and in how you look.  Be more inclusive, not exclusive!

http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/end-the-stigma/tweets/

30 Day Blog Challenge – Day 1

 

As you can see, I’ve decided to participate in the 30 day blog challenge, and the first challenge is to write a little about myself, or why I started this blog.  The reason I started this blog was ultimately personal.  I have been going through a very traumatic time in my life, cervical dysplasia, and when I looked to the internet to find information, I was very disappointed by what I found.  People were fear mongering, or posting unrealistic ways to cure dysplasia, and not much else. In October 2013 I began a social media course, and one of the units was about blogging, so I decided to create a blog about cervical dysplasia and HPV.  It’s been really beneficial to me, as writing a blog or journal is a great way to relieve stress, which I desperately need right now.  The reason I am not writing in a paper journal is simple, it’s never worked for me in the past, and I thought an online one would keep me more accountable.  I want my blog to become a place where people can find information, and openly discuss their issues…and maybe one day it could grow to be so much more.  I also want people to become more comfortable with discussing “delicate” issues, and not to feel uncomfortable when a friend speaks openly about things like cervical cancer. 

I honestly hope to connect with anyone and everyone, not just women.  I know a lot of guys that might be searching for information on how to support their partner, or how they can participate in halting the spread of HPV, and I would like to help them in that regard.  Ultimately though, I do want to connect with women who are going through some scarey times and show them a realistic view of one woman’s journey through dysplasia. I am fully aware that my responses to treatment are mine alone, so that is why I would love to have other people contribute content, or reply with their own story.  I really enjoy connecting with people (even though I am extremely introverted) and discussing any topic, so I would love to have people reply to my posts.

I’m making my hopes for this blog realistic for now, and it’s partly so that I don’t disappoint myself and become discouraged, as I always expect too much from myself.  I know I am rusty at writing, and that these things take time, but quite often I still end up feeling a failure when I compare myself to others.  For now I will be happy if I by December 2014 I have doubled my followers, and I have people replying to my posts, instead of just reading them.  A few people I know say they have enjoyed my work, but they aren’t leaving comments, so that doesn’t help me on the promotion side.  Some of my other ideas like creating a forum, or polls, need more followers or they will fall flat, so this definitely is a slow work in progress.

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There is one website that I have found that briefly discusses cervical cancer, and that’s HysterSisters.  They can be found at:http://www.hystersisters.com/

I’ve also discovered two other woman blogging about cervical dysplasia: marinasedna.wordpress.com and http://blogeocompanionpiece.wordpress.com/ . Please check them out

2013 in review

Okay, so it’s not like I actually believe that each year can be only good or bad, or that I should hope the next one is fantastic, as life is too random to be one thing.  Though a few quiet years would be nice as I’m already the girl with the heart condition, bad knee, who almost developed cancer this year.  I think that is more than enough for life altering challenges.  Some of the things that stuck out in my memory are:

– Buying my first home!  Now, I’ve owned homes before with my ex-husband, but this home is mine alone (and he can’t do things like move all the furniture around, or plot with his mother behind my back in it).  It was a struggle to get the bank to realize that I was not a crazy risk being single, but everything else worked out okay.  I recently was doing some after Boxing Day madness shopping and I purchased a number of kitchen items, magic bullet and a crock pot, which was really enjoyable (Yes, you are correct in the assumption that I don’t get out much).  It’s a slow process getting my home functional, but once I have my new floors in this summer, I can really start adding more furniture and make this my sanctuary.

-Calgary,  the city amazes me in good and bad ways, but this summer the world saw the good ways.  The floods of June 2013 will never be forgotten, and if we focus on the community spirit and the volunteers who helped clean it up, then I will be okay with never forgetting.  We came together not as friends and family, but as a whole city, and everyone worked together to get our city back to working order. It was really inspiring to watch, and helped me focus on more positive things in general, which was something I really needed.  Even during terrible times, great things can happen, and focusing on the good can really help with depression and anxiety.

If you want to read more about the floods: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2013_Alberta_floods

-In February 2013, I started a new job.  It unfortunately happened right around the time I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia, so I’m really not sure how I kept it all together and got work done. Realistically, I was mentally breaking down, but maybe having a good job was what kept that last shred of sanity intact.  It’s a busy job, and I’m in a room full of extroverts (very introverted myself), but I again feel that strong sense of community, like people care, and like I really belong, which is something I have been searching for in my work for a long time.  We have a lot of fun, and everyone has been very supportive of me,  so I expect even with all the craziness that I will still be there in another year. 

-Social media, Wow, its really changed my life.  I have met so many great people through twitter, and I am learning so much from them about blogging.  I know I have SO MUCH to learn, and my grammar isn’t perfect, but I really enjoy the exercise of writing, and I hope to continue in the future.  I love the connection I feel through social media, and that it allows me to participate on my terms, and believe me when I don’t want to be around people physically, you are immediately very aware of that.  My hopes for the next year are to improve my writing, increase my followers, and increase my presence online in regards to below the belt cancers, and get over my fear of self promotion. It’s okay to put myself out there to the world, and to be selfish in wanting some attention, and at the same time hopefully help some others in that process.

-Dysplasia  I’ve been through some tough experiences in my life (divorce, heart condition, fractured knee, abuse) and maybe I will blog about those experiences one day, but the cervical cancer scare was the worst of them all.  I was on edge almost the whole time, anxious, alone (even with my great support group), and afraid, so very afraid.  Now that the abnormal cells have been removed, and I am feeling better, I am trying to move on, but it is not easy.  Don’t let anyone tell you it is easy to move on, or that you are being  overly dramatic, since you caught your condition early, because it’s not easy.  I still have two more appointments with the clinic in the future (more if the abnormal cells return), and at some point I may have to face this battle again with cancerous cells showing up other parts of my reproductive tract, but I am really trying not to focus on this, and instead try and focus more on being in the moment, and on being positive.

-Someone who I have had a very up and down relationship with, is no longer a friend.  I have had to finally realize that I can’t keep looking for the good in some people, if I cannot accept some of the terrible decisions they make in their life.  Or that when they are appearing to help me, they are in reality just trying to bully me and get back at past hurts.  Sometimes you have to move on, and sometimes you have to allow people to destroy their own lives, or even their own morality.

-Family.  This is a tough one for me to talk about, but after the procedure my family put me through a terrible ordeal, and because of it I have distanced myself from them.  I’ve always felt that we tried to act like a family, do family things, but we don’t like each other at all, or have anything in common, so we fail at this play-act.  As well, there are a number of issues from my childhood that will never be truly resolved as they do not see them as problems, though I have moved past them.  I am currently taking some time to really think about what I need from my family, and even what is a family really….can it not be made up of people of my choosing?

That’s what stands out in my memory for the past year.  There were some really amazing tv shows, movies, and books I read, but they weren’t anything that really defines me, or changed me. To everyone who has been there for me this past year, thank you.  I really needed the support, few know how truly messed up I was this past year, and some of you really carried me through the worst of it.  Like I said, I’m too realistic to think that next year won’t come with challenges, but I hope they are normal ones, like my fridge breaking, or that I got one too many colds this year.  I’m kind of tired of going through my nine lives at a rapid fire pace!

I’m not one to make resolutions, but I did think that having a few goals would be nice, so here they are:

1) I want to try Peking Duck.  I always meant to try it, but always forget, so this year I will enjoy Peking Duck!

2) I will learn how to use eyeliner.  It can’t be as hard as I make it look.

3) Travel.  I’ve been thinking of a trip to Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam, but I also wonder if I should try and add a trip in to the Eastern Seaboard, or even London, as I have a few people I know there now to make it a really fun trip (and I think they would be totally game to “hunt down” Benedict Cumberbatch!).

Happy New Year!

 

Have a great night everyone, and stay safe.  No night of drinking is worth never coming home again.

My plans involve take out pizza and relaxing tonight, what does your New Year’s Eve look like?