Kristal

This site is about my experience with cervical dysplasia, as well as anything else I might feel like discussing!


Leave a comment

Am I doing what I enjoy, or is there a problem here?

Image

I find that I am an extremely busy person, but I really do love my down time, and find I am panicky without it.  I also like to feel involved, like I have a variety of opportunities, and be a part of communities.  Lately though, I have tried to be respectful of my mental state and not do too much, as I get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed fairly quickly nowadays.  I am aware I need to be kind to myself during such a mentally stressful time, but sometimes, I just don’t seem to be able to help myself.

Today, I ended up agreeing to attend a conference in October for 4 days for our union, and agreed to be an alternate for the monthly meetings.  There I was walking to the room for the AGM, saying I need to take time for myself, and then 30 min later I am agreeing to participate in some, to be fair, interesting stuff (and travel, I love staying in hotels).  It’s not that I am pushed, or I don’t want to do this, but I worry about the times that I will panic from feeling overwhelmed….but then again I get panicky when I think I don’t have enough to do!  It seems to be a damned if you do or don’t situation when you have an anxiety disorder.  And as long as they pay for my room service bill at the hotel…..I think I will find a way to be ok with this conference 😉

Advertisements


Leave a comment

I’m ready for my close up Mr. Demille…

Image

I’m not even sure how to begin explaining my night, how it felt to be on a stage, and seeing people enjoy themselves (both the cast and the audience).  How it felt to see my friends in the audience, they actually paid both monetarily and in their time to watch me give a few intros.  How it felt to not care what people think, as I spend more time than I should thinking about that….I guess in the end how it all felt to be free.  I thought I would be really nervous, as I had been during rehearsals, and because I’m an anxious person on a good day, but not once did I panic, not even when 250 strangers slowly made their way into the theatre.  The made them laugh, cry, think, and the whole time I got to watch the emotional changes on people’s faces.  I fell though, that what I really loved was that I was bringing attention to something I have become passionate about, and that is discussing women’s health issues.  I was recently told that I am an attention seeker, but in a more positive way, I use myself to bring attention to important causes and ideas.  I loved that I was surrounded by women who had no problem talking about anything and everything (and I really enjoyed everyone’s company in the rehearsals, save for one who I felt was a little too militant in her ideas about “top universities” being the 2nd coming, but that pervasive and damaging attitude could be a topic within itself).  I hope to be back next year for the 3rd annual Vagina Monologues, not sure if I will audition for a role, or if I will try and work behind the scenes in promotions, social media, or even something more technical…..or maybe I will take on the moaning monologue (ha ha ha, yeah that’s just not happening, I have trouble controlling my laughter!). I’m also looking forward to when we get together for a cast party in the next few weeks.

I know I haven’t explained much of the actual show, or the actors, but it has all really blended into this fantastic experience, and each and every lady brought energy and passion to their parts, but a lot of those girls are going to go onto great things in the theatre world.  I also don’t want to bore you with “We walked on the stage, sat down, then the first monologue started”, and I’m sure if you have gone to one performance, you get the general idea of what happened on the stage.

This is my first time actually attending a Vagina Monologues, so it’s odd that I also participated in it.  I felt some of it was heavy handed, but not to such a level that it turned me off, like Ayn Rand’s works always does to me.  I think everyone should attend one performance, and I liked that ours wasn’t a professional cast (though some of the ladies are extremely talented, Chantal in “reclaiming cunt” was lyrical in her performance), and that there were quite a few men in the audience who did not look uncomfortable at all.  I go for my 2nd support group meeting and I can’t wait, because I feel like I am getting better mentally (it’s a slow process), moving on, even with my follow up appointment looming in May.  If my abnormal cells are going to come back, well, there is little I can do to stop that, and in the meantime, I can enjoy myself and embrace new experiences like performing to an audience.  I may have days where I hide from the world, but they can balance with the days I am a part of it.


Leave a comment

Vagina Monologues

Tonight is our dress rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues, hopefully I will get some pictures as I need to be there early, and the thursday cast will be performing.  There will be costumes, energy, and a lot of fabulous ladies!  This will be my first time being on stage when there is an audience that has paid to be there, not sure what that will feel like….but even if I feel nervous, I know that no one will care.  I mean it’s good to face your fears and anxieties, right?