This will be a quick entry for the blog, as I have been working on another blog post. My tests came back showing “features”, which means something is still there. I’ve been told that features are a stage before abnormal cells, so it’s very low grade at this time. I’m not sure what’s happening, if my body is fighting it or if it will progress like last time. All I know is, that I am sadly getting use to the situation. I will be back for more testing in May 2015, so maybe we will get answers then? Until that time, I will just do what I normally do and just live my life as best I can.
Tonight was another rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues. As usual, I was there early, and had grabbed a quick meal, so when I saw one of my cast mates sitting in a corner I thought I would sit nearby. We started talking, as she was a bit nervous about her part. She was in the play to do something that made her anxious, and challenged her (Good for her!). We talked about Eve Ensler, our jobs, but then she asked me why I joined the play and I stopped. Usually, this is the point when I make people feel uncomfortable, not because I am being offensive, but because they find what I am talking about offensive. Whether it’s being uncomfortable with “girly-bits” like our vaginas, normal human sexuality, or even the big C word, I’ll never know, but all I know is people hate talking about anything that goes on below the belt. It was refreshing to discuss my story and say words like cervix, biopsy, and not have this stranger flinch. She doesn’t know me, why does she have to listen to me give the real reason I was in the play? I could lie and say that the reason was that I loved Eve’s work., so why didn’t I? It’s quite simple, because my reason is something I can’t hide from, and it’s not offensive. It’s ok to tell people that I went through something really traumatic, something that really challenged my notions of femininity and sexuality, and for it to lead to further conversations. We began to talk about pregnancy, as she was currently pregnant, and what might happen if I were to become pregnant with missing a large part of my cervix. I know that part of her ability to listen relates to the fact that she is in a play about vaginas, but wouldn’t it be great if we were all like that, really wanting to know how people are doing. How many times have we all gone through the same conversation:
Hey! How are you doing, it’s been awhile?
Oh, I’m fine, you? (although I really need to talk to someone as I feel my emotions are going to drown me)
I’m fine too! (I could really talk to someone too, but if I admit to what I am feeling people will judge me, and I don’t think I can deal with that right now)
Why can’t we be open and honest with each other? Now maybe we don’t have the time, or we are feeling a little too low to really listen to someone, and that’s okay too, just say so! Who knows where our honesty might lead us? The friends we might make? Or even the people we might help? Currently, I am on a mission to get people talking about cervical issues, to go for their paps, not be embarrassed about sexual issues, and soon to raise much needed funds for below the belt cancer research (more on that later!).
I really appreciated that tonight I could be honest and not feel judged. And tonight, I am going to post this entry without editing, and see what reaction I get. There may be spelling mistakes, there may be grammar mistakes, but I am curious about what people like more from me, and if they enjoy my honesty.
I apologize for being a bit silent recently, just had a lot on my mind since my doctor’s appointment last Wednesday. I’ve been left with a lot of confusion, as it seems my medical team doesn’t really know what to do or think. I wonder if a lot of women in my situation feel the same way? That no matter how helpful and proactive the doctors are, that really they are just being reactive, and have no idea how best to treat women with cervical dysplasia or cancer. It seems that we have all this knowledge from pap smears and HPV tests, but that they aren’t always sure what to do with it, or why some cases improve, while others worsen, and no one seems to really be pursuing this area of research. Oddly enough, I have been given the option (in the future) that if I feel I can’t handle this situation, the future appointments and invasive tests, that I would be allowed to pursue a partial/total hysterectomy…..and that seems worrisome too…that I can choose such a radical option (unless it is chosen for me earlier). I still don’t know if I want kids, and my doctor wants me to wait as I am young to make such radical decisions. I’ll speak more on this soon, but I didn’t want people to think I had stopped blogging 🙂
Thanks for listening, and remember ladies, book that pap!
As you can see, I’ve decided to participate in the 30 day blog challenge, and the first challenge is to write a little about myself, or why I started this blog. The reason I started this blog was ultimately personal. I have been going through a very traumatic time in my life, cervical dysplasia, and when I looked to the internet to find information, I was very disappointed by what I found. People were fear mongering, or posting unrealistic ways to cure dysplasia, and not much else. In October 2013 I began a social media course, and one of the units was about blogging, so I decided to create a blog about cervical dysplasia and HPV. It’s been really beneficial to me, as writing a blog or journal is a great way to relieve stress, which I desperately need right now. The reason I am not writing in a paper journal is simple, it’s never worked for me in the past, and I thought an online one would keep me more accountable. I want my blog to become a place where people can find information, and openly discuss their issues…and maybe one day it could grow to be so much more. I also want people to become more comfortable with discussing “delicate” issues, and not to feel uncomfortable when a friend speaks openly about things like cervical cancer.
I honestly hope to connect with anyone and everyone, not just women. I know a lot of guys that might be searching for information on how to support their partner, or how they can participate in halting the spread of HPV, and I would like to help them in that regard. Ultimately though, I do want to connect with women who are going through some scarey times and show them a realistic view of one woman’s journey through dysplasia. I am fully aware that my responses to treatment are mine alone, so that is why I would love to have other people contribute content, or reply with their own story. I really enjoy connecting with people (even though I am extremely introverted) and discussing any topic, so I would love to have people reply to my posts.
I’m making my hopes for this blog realistic for now, and it’s partly so that I don’t disappoint myself and become discouraged, as I always expect too much from myself. I know I am rusty at writing, and that these things take time, but quite often I still end up feeling a failure when I compare myself to others. For now I will be happy if I by December 2014 I have doubled my followers, and I have people replying to my posts, instead of just reading them. A few people I know say they have enjoyed my work, but they aren’t leaving comments, so that doesn’t help me on the promotion side. Some of my other ideas like creating a forum, or polls, need more followers or they will fall flat, so this definitely is a slow work in progress.
There is one website that I have found that briefly discusses cervical cancer, and that’s HysterSisters. They can be found at:http://www.hystersisters.com/
I’ve also discovered two other woman blogging about cervical dysplasia: marinasedna.wordpress.com and http://blogeocompanionpiece.wordpress.com/ . Please check them out