Today something interesting happened. I was seeing my massage therapist, the first time in over a year, and she immediately knew something was wrong with me. She noticed that I was hunching my shoulders (mentioning I looked a bit like a linebacker, and that I was protecting my core. When I mentioned the LEEP procedure I had, and the year of testing in my abdomen, it all made sense to her. I was protecting myself.
I guess it should really come as no surprise to me, as I have done this kind of protection before. I’m very aware of how I favor my right leg, ever since the knee fracture and surgery to repair the damage. The key here is that I am aware though, and I always have been, right from the moment I was allowed to try walking again. And I didn’t allow myself to put more strain on the opposite side of my body.
I wonder again if this is something that comes from the vulnerability you feel from gynaecological issues? Maybe it’s feeling so small and scared of what’s happening in your body, that you begin to slowly close up inside? The big C word? Who knows. All I know is that I was not aware that I felt I needed to protect such a specific part of myself from the world. I’m highly self aware, and yet something so important about my body escaped me. I think it’s this line of research, a more mental component that really needs to be researched. I can’t imagine that I am the only woman who acts this way after going through dysplasia, and I would bet it’s even worse in those who went through cancer treatments.