Kristal

This site is about my experience with cervical dysplasia, as well as anything else I might feel like discussing!


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It’s not over……

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I was hoping my next post would be all about sisterhood, friendship, and a wonderful Saturday spent running around Calgary raising awareness for below the belt cancers…..well, it’s not,  so here it is…….things aren’t over.  When I had my appointment on May 2nd, and the doctor didn’t see anything, I allowed myself a moment of hope, and that hope grew over the past month.  It’s not that I am saying “don’t hope, it’s pointless”, it’s more that I am a little down that there are still abnormal cells present, and my fight is not over.  Obviously everyone wants to get better, and I know I am very lucky that everything has been caught so early, but right now that’s not helping. Everything is really low grade, and I am told to be positive, since the doctor isn’t concerned.  I’m hoping my body can fight this, and I’m not going to stop my current trend of exercising and feeling better about myself.  So the blog continues!

Oh and I will get to that post this week about the Underwear Affair, as I really had a great time.

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Similarities and Sadness

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Every time I go to the support group I learn something about myself, and today it was that I’m really not so different in how I view the world.  For the past year, I’ve felt very dissociated from who I feel is the real me, a happier, healthier me.  She’s someone who anxiety doesn’t bother, depression rarely touches, and doesn’t have vicious mood swings.  I don’t know how to be her anymore, and maybe I’m wrong that she ever existed.  But no matter what, in my mind, she’s living a better life, and has everything she could ever want.  So it was startling to hear the group facilitator say those exact words, that somewhere her family was existing in another world very happily, and that she wished they could be that family again.  It’s amazing that we all have these exact same thoughts, and not from someone else’s influence.  It’s not something I’ve talked to with anyone I know, as I don’t want people to worry about me, but yet here we support groupees are, all are thinking these sad thoughts.

I do know that this current me, well it is me.  And I am generally happy, even when I’m feeling a bit sad.  I enjoy my friend’s company, exercising, and spending time outdoors in the sunshine….oh, and my new favorite show, Tabletop!  I know this is more about feeling like I am not getting better quick enough, and somehow I am failing, because I tell myself that it is all I am good at lately when I am feeling really low. Really, it’s that I am still mourning a more carefree me, one who hasn’t been touched by pre-cancer, and doesn’t have to worry about anything. It’s not like that can’t be my future in some way, it’s not like I won’t change again to another version of me, but I need to accept a lot of things before that will happen.

If you do see the real me on your travels though, could you ask her to call home?  I worry about her……


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One week

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I know we say this all the time, but I have no idea where the time has gone.  My first follow up is next week on May 2nd, early in the morning.  I’m telling myself I will be ok, but my attitude lately says that I’m buying none of this bs.  I’ve been a bit up and down with my emotions, lacking sleep, and been falling into multiple depressive episodes…hell, I am probably just depressed.  I only seem to be happy when I am around certain friends, as they can distract me from myself, which is pretty consistent with depression. 

Looking back, these past six months have been somewhat comforting, which is odd, as I don’t like unknown situations, ambiguity, or being uninformed, but in this situation I am happy to not know a damn thing.  There is a comfort in being a bit ignorant, because next week, good or bad, I will have more information.  And even more when the test results come back at the end of May. Of course everyone I know hopes the results are good….but what if it’s not?  What if I have to start  this whole circus again?  What if I have to stay as a patient at this clinic for years?  What if things have progressed even further?  So you can see why not knowing is a comfort to me, it reduces my anxiety.  I know I am luckier than most people who deal with these kinds of situations, and I try to remind myself of that fact daily, but every detail of next week’s appointment still weighs on me heavily.

What’s even scarier, is that people would use this comfort zone to avoid their yearly paps, or their follow up colposcopies (if they are as unlucky as I am).  I read way too often of people who are not ashamed to admit they are avoiding going for a pap, as it is embarrassing, uncomfortable, or awkward.  I don’t even know if they realized how ridiculous that is, or how dangerous a game they are playing?!?  And that anyone thinks a world exists where people aren’t embarrassed on a regular basis? That seems ludicrous to me.  Avoiding paps has become a serious epidemic, and if my situation makes them rethink that idiocy, well then it makes suffering a little less horrible.  Even though I am terrified of next Friday, of course I’m going to go, avoiding the appointment would only make a bad situation much worse.  I’m also a huge fan of “everyday bravery”, and this is a prime example of that concept, which is in contrast to my weekend exceptional bravery of Grizzly Bear fights, cliff diving, and  drag racing 😉

Side note: you can’t fix things for someone who is depressed, you can only try to be there for them.  It’s the hardest job in the world to just listen to someone, and really just sit and say very little back. Be prepared that if you offer a bit of kindness, or lend an ear, it may open a bit of a flood gate, but no one should fear intense emotions.  To those who are depressed, remember, it is never shameful to ask for help, to take kindness when offered, or even ask someone to just come over and sit with you, above all, you need to do things that make you happy. 


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Tomorrow is a good time to call your doctor…

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January is cervical awareness month, and how many of you are actually aware of your cervix?  How many actually book pap screen appointments when they should?  Even after all I have gone through recently, I am glad I get checked on a regular basis, as in Sept 2013 I was about 6 months away from an official cancer diagnosis.

Be brave and call your doctor tomorrow to book your appointment.  Or ask the wonderful women in your life when they last made an appointment.  And remember (for my American friends) there are ways to get a pap done for little to no cost.

https://www.facebook.com/CervicalCancerAwareness.CCA