Kristal

This site is about my experience with cervical dysplasia, as well as anything else I might feel like discussing!

Similarities and Sadness

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Every time I go to the support group I learn something about myself, and today it was that I’m really not so different in how I view the world.  For the past year, I’ve felt very dissociated from who I feel is the real me, a happier, healthier me.  She’s someone who anxiety doesn’t bother, depression rarely touches, and doesn’t have vicious mood swings.  I don’t know how to be her anymore, and maybe I’m wrong that she ever existed.  But no matter what, in my mind, she’s living a better life, and has everything she could ever want.  So it was startling to hear the group facilitator say those exact words, that somewhere her family was existing in another world very happily, and that she wished they could be that family again.  It’s amazing that we all have these exact same thoughts, and not from someone else’s influence.  It’s not something I’ve talked to with anyone I know, as I don’t want people to worry about me, but yet here we support groupees are, all are thinking these sad thoughts.

I do know that this current me, well it is me.  And I am generally happy, even when I’m feeling a bit sad.  I enjoy my friend’s company, exercising, and spending time outdoors in the sunshine….oh, and my new favorite show, Tabletop!  I know this is more about feeling like I am not getting better quick enough, and somehow I am failing, because I tell myself that it is all I am good at lately when I am feeling really low. Really, it’s that I am still mourning a more carefree me, one who hasn’t been touched by pre-cancer, and doesn’t have to worry about anything. It’s not like that can’t be my future in some way, it’s not like I won’t change again to another version of me, but I need to accept a lot of things before that will happen.

If you do see the real me on your travels though, could you ask her to call home?  I worry about her……

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