I know we say this all the time, but I have no idea where the time has gone. My first follow up is next week on May 2nd, early in the morning. I’m telling myself I will be ok, but my attitude lately says that I’m buying none of this bs. I’ve been a bit up and down with my emotions, lacking sleep, and been falling into multiple depressive episodes…hell, I am probably just depressed. I only seem to be happy when I am around certain friends, as they can distract me from myself, which is pretty consistent with depression.
Looking back, these past six months have been somewhat comforting, which is odd, as I don’t like unknown situations, ambiguity, or being uninformed, but in this situation I am happy to not know a damn thing. There is a comfort in being a bit ignorant, because next week, good or bad, I will have more information. And even more when the test results come back at the end of May. Of course everyone I know hopes the results are good….but what if it’s not? What if I have to start this whole circus again? What if I have to stay as a patient at this clinic for years? What if things have progressed even further? So you can see why not knowing is a comfort to me, it reduces my anxiety. I know I am luckier than most people who deal with these kinds of situations, and I try to remind myself of that fact daily, but every detail of next week’s appointment still weighs on me heavily.
What’s even scarier, is that people would use this comfort zone to avoid their yearly paps, or their follow up colposcopies (if they are as unlucky as I am). I read way too often of people who are not ashamed to admit they are avoiding going for a pap, as it is embarrassing, uncomfortable, or awkward. I don’t even know if they realized how ridiculous that is, or how dangerous a game they are playing?!? And that anyone thinks a world exists where people aren’t embarrassed on a regular basis? That seems ludicrous to me. Avoiding paps has become a serious epidemic, and if my situation makes them rethink that idiocy, well then it makes suffering a little less horrible. Even though I am terrified of next Friday, of course I’m going to go, avoiding the appointment would only make a bad situation much worse. I’m also a huge fan of “everyday bravery”, and this is a prime example of that concept, which is in contrast to my weekend exceptional bravery of Grizzly Bear fights, cliff diving, and drag racing 😉
Side note: you can’t fix things for someone who is depressed, you can only try to be there for them. It’s the hardest job in the world to just listen to someone, and really just sit and say very little back. Be prepared that if you offer a bit of kindness, or lend an ear, it may open a bit of a flood gate, but no one should fear intense emotions. To those who are depressed, remember, it is never shameful to ask for help, to take kindness when offered, or even ask someone to just come over and sit with you, above all, you need to do things that make you happy.