…protecting myself from life, or actually living. There are two really difficult parts of going through major trauma or illness. One, is trusting that you can actually be a part of life, and the second is trying to control your depressive tendencies, and focus on more positive things. Life doesn’t happen when you are ready for it, and especially not when you are prepared for it. For about a year I put my life on hold, even though the medical staff told me to live like I normally would. But how can you not put your life on hold, or hide from the world when things get rough? How can you just move on knowing that at any moment the doctors may come back with something far worse? Well, you just have to, otherwise you are stagnating. Since January, I’ve felt like maybe I can move on, and that is in large part to the ladies at the support group, who are an example to participating in life even when it seems like a waste of time. I see them living with far worse situations (and realistically I know they are likely as broken inside as me), but they are bravely accepting their situation and trusting in good things. It’s really all we can do, any of us, is live. Is this easy? No, of course it’s not, but as I said earlier, life doesn’t wait for you to be ready, and life isn’t inherently good or bad, it just is.
Ideas like this scare me, being normal scares me sometimes….. Trusting that I am making good decisions, and taking care of myself……doing what I need to do at any given moment, and just being normal. That word comes up a lot in the support group, “normal”, like it’s something that is actually defined and real, like any of us know what that really is, normal. I keep being told I am normal, that I react to life like anyone else would, but my lack of trust is strongest with myself, so I am not sure I believe the ladies when they tell me I’m okay. I find it difficult to be vulnerable with others, though I am trying to accept that no one is really out to hurt me, and that I need to put myself out there to the world, accept that I may get hurt from time to time. I guess maybe that is normal…..
The above picture is of Farley, he was diagnosed with cancer in his hip and was given six months to live, he is now at two years. He doesn’t know that he should be sad, angry, or curse the world for his misfortune. He just knows he was once in pain, and now isn’t, and lives in the moment. We can say it’s because he’s a dog and doesn’t know better, but it’s also maybe a lesson that we can all learn, to accept life and change our attitude in response to it. Easier said than done, but being negative doesn’t really help any situation I’ve been involved in to be honest. Sometimes you have to accept the bad situation you are in, and try and find the good around you to get through it, and trust that….well, just trust in general that life isn’t out to get you.