Tonight was another rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues. As usual, I was there early, and had grabbed a quick meal, so when I saw one of my cast mates sitting in a corner I thought I would sit nearby. We started talking, as she was a bit nervous about her part. She was in the play to do something that made her anxious, and challenged her (Good for her!). We talked about Eve Ensler, our jobs, but then she asked me why I joined the play and I stopped. Usually, this is the point when I make people feel uncomfortable, not because I am being offensive, but because they find what I am talking about offensive. Whether it’s being uncomfortable with “girly-bits” like our vaginas, normal human sexuality, or even the big C word, I’ll never know, but all I know is people hate talking about anything that goes on below the belt. It was refreshing to discuss my story and say words like cervix, biopsy, and not have this stranger flinch. She doesn’t know me, why does she have to listen to me give the real reason I was in the play? I could lie and say that the reason was that I loved Eve’s work., so why didn’t I? It’s quite simple, because my reason is something I can’t hide from, and it’s not offensive. It’s ok to tell people that I went through something really traumatic, something that really challenged my notions of femininity and sexuality, and for it to lead to further conversations. We began to talk about pregnancy, as she was currently pregnant, and what might happen if I were to become pregnant with missing a large part of my cervix. I know that part of her ability to listen relates to the fact that she is in a play about vaginas, but wouldn’t it be great if we were all like that, really wanting to know how people are doing. How many times have we all gone through the same conversation:
Hey! How are you doing, it’s been awhile?
Oh, I’m fine, you? (although I really need to talk to someone as I feel my emotions are going to drown me)
I’m fine too! (I could really talk to someone too, but if I admit to what I am feeling people will judge me, and I don’t think I can deal with that right now)
Why can’t we be open and honest with each other? Now maybe we don’t have the time, or we are feeling a little too low to really listen to someone, and that’s okay too, just say so! Who knows where our honesty might lead us? The friends we might make? Or even the people we might help? Currently, I am on a mission to get people talking about cervical issues, to go for their paps, not be embarrassed about sexual issues, and soon to raise much needed funds for below the belt cancer research (more on that later!).
I really appreciated that tonight I could be honest and not feel judged. And tonight, I am going to post this entry without editing, and see what reaction I get. There may be spelling mistakes, there may be grammar mistakes, but I am curious about what people like more from me, and if they enjoy my honesty.