It’s November 10th, and it’s been just over a week since the LEEP procedure, and other than the panic of Thursday, things have been ok. I worry that if I say I am doing ok that something bad might happen, but I realize it has nothing to do with cursing myself. I’m not bleeding heavily at all anymore, though I know I need to keep an eye on it for the next few weeks because everything is still healing, and even if it isn’t blood it can be plasma leaking. No one warns you about that part. There is no sign of infection, which is good because LEEPs have the highest rate of infection for any cervical procedure to remove precancerous lesions. I do notice that I have felt more clear headed and more energy over all, which leads me to wonder if this small area of pre-cancer was releasing toxins into my whole body. I know it’s very possible that it was, but I have no blood tests to prove it, just this general sense of feeling better physically.
The one thing I am really struggling with is my frustration levels, like today when my computer was jamming up and taking too long to do something I wanted, I started to get frustrated and a little angry (which includes a lot of swearing and sighs!). I usually try to walk away, but I was having an important conversation with someone and really needed the technology to just work. I also find it hard to not be frustrated by people helping me, when all I really want them to do is listen. I don’t need people to solve my problems, but they always feel helpless and want to make things better for me, but all I really want is someone to listen to me. I do appreciate that they are sincere in their help, but more often just listening to me leads me to what I should do in any given situation. I also want people (MEN!) to understand that this is going to be a long road to recovery, and that I am going to have to deal with a lot of new things. I already had someone talking to me about sex, and that really upset me, as it is way too early to have those conversations. Why do I want to think about something I might not positively experience again? Or that I can’t do for a few weeks minimum? I’m going to have a lot of scar tissue, but aside from that who would talk to you about such things one week out? This topic is something I will explore more in the future. I know my mental state will take some time to move down to my normal levels of anxiety, but it would be nice if it would happen sooner than later. It really does help to write everything down, even just times where I ramble like this, like the stress is leaving my body and ending up on the page in front of me.
I know people who have had partial hysterectomies, but no one like me with a scarred cervix, so I am trying to take it slow and listen to my body, so that I can understand what I am feeling. There has been a lot of pinching and pulling, and that’s probably the worst, it’s like you might tear something at any moment. I don’t have anyone who has gone through what I have, so there is no real reassurance, except in calling the nurses. Though posting my blog last week on twitter in #MondayBlogs did introduce me to a woman who has gone through the procedure and mentioned some issues I might face in the future, like painful periods that involve back pain.
No word on my pathology results yet, but I may not receive those until the end of the month. I really hope it comes back with no surprises and clean margins (that they removed all the precancerous lesions, leaving a thin margin of healthy tissue around the biopsy), as I would really like to work on moving forward….again.